


Secrets are for Other People

by SuperChorifly



Series: Alone with Your Thoughts [4]
Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Friendship, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Summaries, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:08:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23852068
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuperChorifly/pseuds/SuperChorifly
Summary: Three moments where a secret was shared and heard.Or Eiji, Ash and Shorter being there for each other.
Relationships: Ash Lynx & Shorter Wong, Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji, Okumura Eiji & Shorter Wong
Series: Alone with Your Thoughts [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1675171
Comments: 4
Kudos: 126





	Secrets are for Other People

To say that Jim Callenreese was a bad father was an understatement.

Now, Eiji was aware that he wasn't a father himself so it wasn't really his place to judge, but wasn't it though?

Sure, he and his father never had the _best_ relationship, what with him being a workaholic and a raging homophobe and Eiji being well... Yeah. Even after his Dad's illness and subsequent miraculous recovery that left him with a new view of life and wanting to spend more time with them and suddenly wasn't that much of a homophobe anymore, Eiji was already on junior year of high school by then; he was completely invested in pole vaulting and the scholarship that the medals he kept winning promised him.

And OK, maybe he was still a little resentful and reticent to develop a relationship with the man who had made his mom cry when he was a kid and she thought he wasn't listening after a long day taking care of them almost on her own, the man who had dismissed his little sister’s attention in favor of a work call and had slapped him in the face after dinner when he was fourteen after Eiji had _finally_ gathered the courage to tell his parents he liked boys too.

So fine, perhaps Eiji didn't really have the best guide line or the knowledge to judge how other people parent, even his own dad was the way he was because of something and, honestly, deep down he loved Eiji and his family and he _had_ tried. But even so, Eiji felt qualified enough, by simply being a somewhat decent human being, to say that Jim Callenreese was a horrible dad.

It pissed Eiji off way more than he had the right to be, it wasn't he who had been raped and then abandoned to his own devices by age seven, it wasn't Eiji who had had to kill a guy because no one would help him and then run away from home only to have more of the same bullshit happen to him over and over again for years and it certainly wasn't Eiji who, after working blood and tears into leaving that behind and fought his way to be a feared gang leader, had his Dad ruin all of that in one afternoon by divulging his past to a bunch of guys, but damn it! He was pissed.

He was pissed at himself too for listening; it wasn't his place – _stupid, nosy, needy_ – His head was pounding with regret and self-deprecation, he also felt nauseous yet he remained quiet.

They were all quiet, actually, as they walked back to the house. Suddenly the house and the lovely scenery that surrounded it weren't as lovely anymore, they had laughed and played and generally just been boys in this place, but it was also the place Ash's life had changed, where his childhood had been brutally stolen from him. Was this what Ash saw when he arrived at Cape Cod? Or back at New York? With a sinking feeling on his stomach Eiji wondered if this was what Ash saw when he saw _himself._

Shorter was, somehow, even more quiet than the rest of them, if that made any sense. Or maybe it was because he was usually so loud that this solemn look felt heavier to Eiji than the rest. They parted from the adults without a word, Eiji instantly following the young boss of Chinatown to sit on the porch.

Shorter perched himself on the stairs leading up to the porch, long legs spread out to the grass and hands at his sides, his eyes where hidden behind his glasses. Eiji sat a couple of steps higher and brought his knees up, face half hidden behind his arms and mind racing.

"You knew did you not?" Truthfully, Eiji didn't know why he asked, what he expected to hear or what he wanted to say in return, but he tended to babble when trying to keep an anxiety attack at bay.

Shorter didn't spare him a look and his body didn't move an inch "Had my suspicions" Came his reply, voice even. "Didn't know the details"

"Do you regret it?" Shorter turned to look at him then, confused, but still no real reaction "Listening to all that from Mr. Callenreese behind Ash's back" He clarified, he was sure he completely butchered the pronunciation of last name, but he couldn't care about that for too long as Shorter snorted a surprised laugh, now (finally) truly looking at him.

"Shit, man" he laughed, avoiding his eyes "You really don't hold anything back, do you? Ash was right" he adjusts his glasses almost like a tick and now Eiji was blushing.

"I-I'm sorry, that was- I'm sorry I shouldn't have–!"

"Hey, man chill! I meant it on a good way, honest!" Shorter sounded more like himself, like he was laughing at something you did without making you feel like you're being laughed at the way only truly kind people could manage.

"Sorry" Eiji said lamely anyway, because he couldn't seem to be able to shut himself up and leaving people alone.

Shorter decided to ignore him "Not really guilty, no" He said and sounded almost wistful "I mean, I know I don't know everything about Ash, obviously" the laugh that followed was anything but humorous "But if there's a thing I _am_ sure about is that Ash's the smartest guy I know, he brought us all here, he knew we would find out, there are very few things that he leaves unplanned"

"I guess you are right" Somehow that did nothing to qualm Eiji's guilt "It just... I feel like maybe that is alright for you to feel, you are his best friend"

_'Not for me, not the guy who keeps dragging him down and being a bother'_

"Honestly, Eiji, I don't know how I feel about all this shit, I guess I'm just fuckin' angry"

At his side his hand turned into a knuckle and Eiji could see small scars on them, calloused and strong. "Don't feel guilty, man. Ash trusts you, you'd know if he didn't"

Eiji considered this and hummed "Not guilty" He said "I think I'm just sad" he says this and avoids looking and the other boy, Eiji's eyes faraway but he can feel Shorter's staring at him.

"Yeah" He says finally, soft and barely disturbing the quiet that fell upon them.

~

Shorter was bright on every way possible, Eiji felt dazzled at his very presence, it was like everything about him was so _loud._

His colors were striking purple and golden skin, his eyes a deep black that felt warm and welcoming. He was tall, annoyingly so if you asked Eiji, like most Americans seemed to be and his voice could be heard from all the way across the room.

Eiji had always felt somewhat muted, washed away. In his likes and dislikes, in his voice and in his colors too. And it wasn't necessarily because of the meds he used to take, it was just the way he was; Eiji was comforting, a calming presence to most, especially now when his role seemed to come down to be that one steady thing, the Island on this wild ocean of violence and uncertainty. It was just his nature.

Maybe that was the reason bright people, like Shorter and Ash and his sister once upon a time, surrounded him and why he surrounded himself with them, a symbiosis of sorts.

It was odd though, to spend too much time with bright people, because sometimes they stopped shinning and looked just like any other mortal and Eiji never knew if he felt sad or awed while watching.

Solemn might be more accurate, Eiji decides watching the purple haired boy, because these lapses didn't mean they weren't bright anymore or that it was just a facade, it just meant they were human.

He still felt sad when he noticed the scars lining his wrist, though. A sickening pull and heavy stones dropped on his stomach when Shorter's hoodie had ridden up revealing the white, crisscrossing marks. He didn't dare commenting, he wasn't one to talk, really, but Shorter was intuitive and there wasn't much that went by him, he noticed Eiji's eyes on him in about a second and sent him a sheepish smile. He didn't even try to cover himself of to move his arm out of the way, if anything he turned it more towards Eiji. Eiji was blushing, ashamed; he looked the other way and kept his gaze far, the small room where Eiji and Ash had been staying at after their escape from the mansion suddenly the most interesting thing in the world.

"It was a long time ago" Shorter's voice was kind as always and when Eiji dared to look at him again he had a quiet smile on his face, uncharacteristic but dazzling all the same.

"You don't have to say anything" Eiji rushed to say, hands flailing.

"It's really nothing" Shorter insisted and finally broke eye contact to look at his own arms. "I was a kid, going through a rough patch, y'know? Never really meant to do anything to serious by it, I have Nadia and even if I didn't I had better ways to off myself than this"

"Stopped a long time ago, about the same time I left juvie for the last time, when Ash found out he looked like he wanted to kick my ass, kid looked scary!" And his laugh was bright once more, he looked at Eiji again.

"You stopped because Ash scared you?" Eiji asked sharing his smile, like the moon reflected the light given by the sun.

"Don't you ever fucking tell'im!" Shorter mocked-threatened "Smug bastard would let it go to his head" He reached for his beer and Eiji knew he wasn't getting the whole truth tonight.

That was OK; he could play dumb and keep on making dinner. Shorter and his’ relationship was still reforming itself, after Yut-Lung forced him to kidnap Eiji and after Eiji had been slashed and almost killed by a young member of Shorter's gang turned banana fish zombie with a knife and after Ash didn't hesitate to shoot him, his body crushing Eiji and his blood pooling between their chests.

They could barely see each other anymore, what with Shorter having to lay low after their escape and Ash's hard denial to let Shorter hide with him and Eiji, still sore for it all, they all were treading water, they knew none of them had had a choice, but what happened happened and acting like it hadn't wouldn't help them.

Still Eiji would have liked for Shorter to tell him the whole story, share the secret of how to stop hurting one self, maybe another day.

Maybe the true medicine for that was to let it go.

"My lips are sealed, the last thing we need is Ash Lynx's head to get bigger"

Shorter snorted and Eiji sniggered and they both healed just a tiny bit.

~

Ash was many things but unintelligent wasn’t one of them.

He wasn’t insecure about many things, he had been practically trained to be ‘perfect’ or a twisted version of what perfect means, either way, he had had access to an above average education, weapon training and fighting techniques, he had had professionals correct his speech to leave behind any trace of accents on English and on French and his penmanship was immaculate. His looks were a whole other deal, a curse that had singled him out from the rest of the pack and dropped him on the hands of the big bad wolf.

It sufficed to say, Ash was confident on his own abilities most of the time and it was that confidence what allowed him to say to himself (and others in more than one occasion) that he was a smart man. Ash was incredibly smart, but it didn’t take an incredibly smart person to know there was something wrong with Eiji. Maybe Ash was in the middle of a war with all odds stacked against him, but he didn’t think there was a single thing in the world that could keep him from noticing Eiji and that on itself was a dangerous thing, but having Alex asking him how Eiji was doing more often than not and Bones and Kong approaching him, individually, to ask if everything was alright with their young Japanese charge was extremely dangerous, because it meant it was leaking out.

The life Ash was leading inside the expensive apartment uptown was a completely different thing than the one he lived outside its polished hardwood doors. It was hermetic and domestic, it was new and it was just _his_ –His and Eiji’s– But now, with people commenting on it (granted, only three people), he could feel trepidation overcome him, a need to protect and keep them out, like an animal marking its territory, it wasn’t a nice feeling, but Ash wasn’t a nice person.

Ash felt negligent, letting get this far, but Eiji had been getting better, if ever so slowly; he had noticed him eating more, oversized clothes hanging less sickly from his slight frame, and the bags under his eyes were almost non-existent, he even spaced out less. Ash had been trying to help too, remaining sitting at the table until Eiji finished the entire plate in from of him and making as little noise as he could when he arrived at ungodly hours of the morning and saw and Eiji-shaped lump on the bed next to him, his chest warming and heart calming.

But obviously it wasn’t enough, whatever was the matter with Eiji went beyond what some eaten meals and nights slept could heal and Ash couldn’t go on hoping it didn’t catch up with them, this truth he knew and had been trying to hide; that he was killing Eiji. He was killing him slowly like a bird whose wings were clipped, or worse, like a bird that could soar through the air, free and far away, if only Ash wasn’t caging him. He knew what isolation could do to a person and could see Eiji was suffering. He had had a family, friends, a life and Ash couldn’t delude himself any longer into believing he could be enough to fill all of that empty space.

So he bought the plane ticket – _another plane ticket_ – and he kept it, he had to get this boy away from him before he killed him. Ash promised himself he would tell him, they would talk and he would be firm, telling Eiji he had to leave for both their sakes, because no matter how much blood stained Ash’s hands, Eiji’s blood was not something he could feel against his skin, the cost of his life would weight on Ash, if anything were to happen to Eiji, Ash knew he would follow.

But of course, as he had been doing since he met him, Eiji surprised him. Every time he thought he had him pegged, Eiji broke from the image he had of him, this time he did it by approaching him first. It was late, almost 4 in the morning and Ash felt like death while entering the apartment. He was more than ready to fall face first into the bed and to not wake up in a week, but his plans were foiled.

Someone was on the balcony.

His hand went to his pistol right away and all the alarms on his hear rung with ‘Eiji, Eiji, Eiji’. He approached the figure quickly but halfway there he realized it was no stranger at all; Eiji himself was awake and leaning into the railing, just looking out into the street, unmoving. Ash joined him, walking quietly but clearing his voice to make his presence known, deciding to stay half a step away from the other boy instead of joining him fully, Eiji startled slightly at him but remained otherwise the same.

“It’s pretty late” His voice was hoarse and clipped, his shoulders tense and just now Ash realized he wasn’t wearing his pajamas, but the same clothes he was that morning.

“Yeah, right back at ya” Ash tried for an easy going vibe, forcing a smile on his face, but Eiji didn’t budge “Had a lot of work to do, what’s your excuse?”

“I could not sleep” He sounded robotic, his body weight balance on his elbows against the balcony railing. Ash remained silent and gave that final step on his direction, finally getting a good look at the other boy’s face.

Many things alerted him that maybe this was it, maybe Eiji was done with him and all the problems he had brought on his life, maybe he would leave and not even accept the plane ticket he bought for him, maybe Eiji had finally come to his senses and realized he loathed Ash, as he should, as everyone who was nearly as _good_ as Eiji was should. What really set off the alarms on Ash’s head was Eiji’s face, he didn’t look angry at him, nor did he look resentful in any way, but his skin was pale and blotchy around his cheeks, his eyes were rimmed red and, looking down, Ash discovered he had bitten his nails.

Eiji had been crying.

The realization crashed into Ash like a punch to the gut would, or maybe like a gunshot to the chest and somehow reality was so much worse than what his brain had come up with. Ash could deal with Eiji hating him and never wanting to see him again; because no matter how much that would kill him at least it made sense. Eiji crying didn’t make any sense in the way aliens didn’t make sense to him; sure, it could happen since it wasn’t beyond the realm of possibilities, but it wasn’t something you expected to see, Eiji Okumura crying was like watching the sun being eclipsed, like a bonfire being extinguished.

Ash felt very cold.

Like most times Eiji proved himself braver than him and finally – _finally_ – turned to look at Ash and with the full view of his face Ash could see the brightness and wetness that remained on his eyes, but Eiji was smiling at him and maybe some embers were still alight and the sun would come out again.

“Don’t look so worried, that’s my job, dummy”

All the training he had been put through was for naught, Ash thought not for the first time. Nothing anyone could ever teach him would get him even close to perfection, not when perfection was standing right in front of him with purple bags under his red rimmed eyes, awful taste in food and clothes and annoying character or with his loving eyes and caring nature. Perfection was dark eyes and forevers.

“What’s happening, Eiji?” Ash’s voice wasn’t much more than a whisper, but he was scared. He was less scared with a gun to the head. Eiji turned fully then and his hands made an aborted movement towards him before dropping at his sides.

Thar’s how they were now; some days (or some nights more often) it felt easy with them, it was easy to loose themselves in each other’s eyes and let a conversation die out into comfortable silence, it was simple to hug and cling after a nightmare and it was the easiest thing to do to reach and take Eiji’s hand in his on a limp hold.

Eiji didn’t startle, but he did look down, some tension leaving him as his fingers curled around Ash’s.

“I’m sorry Ash”

Ah.

So this was it, then. Ash had half a mind to let go of Eiji’s hand, but he couldn’t, not if it was going to be the last time– Before he could keep on getting ahead of himself Eiji spoke again, still not looking at him.

“I know you already do so much for me, to keep me safe…” And hold on, _what?_ “And I know it is no my place, but… I need to ask a favor of you”

“Anything” Was out of his mouth before Eiji even ended his sentence, he turned his big and shiny eyes to Ash, surprised and oh so dangerous.

“It’s not an easy thing to ask, but–” Eiji took a deep breath and shook his head, suddenly his expression changed and he looked determined. “I have a secret” He said, voice firm and eyes true and Ash couldn’t find it in himself to be afraid.

“Well, not really… It’s not a _secret_ secret, but I never told you about it” He went on “The thing is, since I was a kid I have had this– Well actually after the injury I had to–” He struggled with his words; he did that less and less now. “I was diagnosed with, well lots of things when I got the injury, and doctors gave me some medication to help and well… I was taking it still when we met, but you know, all my things are with Ibe-san so I have not taken it on a long time and I know doctors are out of the picture! I know we have to lay low! But I was wondering if there was a way you… or someone you knew could… like, get them for me?”

Eiji ran out of breath and his eyes got even bigger, nervous, he was nervous and this was a first for Ash, he wasn’t usually on the comforting side of things, this usually went the other way around. And overall, this was new information; he didn’t know Eiji was sick much less that he needed medication. He hated the fact Eiji probably put this conversation off far longer than necessary trying to put everyone before himself.

“I didn’t know you were sick, what is it?” His body moved on its own accord closing the distance between them and using now both his hands to hold Eiji’s. But Eiji didn’t answer right away, he looked conflicted. He sighed and looked away, into the apartment. Without a word he went inside leading Ash to sit on the couch with him, their hands never leaving each other.

“Not sick the way you think. When I was a kid I made some bad choices, I was reckless and I… hurt myself” Suddenly the sight of messy cuts on Shorter Wong’s wrists assaulted Ash’s head and his eyes went straight to Eiji’s arms. Clear, unblemished skin met his eyes, Eiji smiled sheepishly at him. “Not like that either” He said quietly “I sometimes didn’t eat… at all. I got too nervous and eating made me nauseous. Also, for pole vaulting you need to be tall and I never was, my eating didn’t help, but it kept me thin, lighter for jumping and I was young, my body was stronger so nobody noticed what I was doing until I fell”

“The doctors noticed I lacked vitamins and nutrients, my bones weren’t as strong so they broke with my fall, they called it eating disorder, gave me pills for that and anxiety, I get attacks sometimes. I would like to think I don’t need them, but my medication helped and I think… I think I need that help again”

He finished speaking and looked down. Ash couldn’t believe how much he adored this boy; he knew Eiji probably felt ashamed and maybe even weak but he was so far from that, he had a strength Ash could never have, because Ash never learned how to ask for help. Actually, he forgot how.

Ash raised one hand from where he was holding Eiji’s and raised the Japanese boy’s chin with it, he could admit, in his mind at least, that he was afraid. Ash was a smart man, but he lacked knowledge on these topics, he was untrained and didn’t know what to expect from it, he hardly could scare Eiji into eating and calming down like he had done to Shorter, but for Eiji, he could be braver, he could learn.

“Ok” His voice failed him some, but it got his message across “We’ll get you help, it’s ok”

Like a doll whose strings were cut off Eiji went limp, so much tension on such a small body, he crashed against Ash and hugged his middle. Ash brought his arms and circled Eiji’s shoulders, hiding his face on Eiji’s neck. He might have heard a small _‘thanks’_ against his hair, but he couldn’t be sure.

He _was_ sure of Eiji, tough, he was sure there was nothing he wouldn’t do for this boy on his arms, this one boy who loved him and never asked anything in return, but this one small thing.

The next morning he sent Alex on an errand and by noon he already had the pill bottles on his hand, he passed them over to Eiji at dinner, casually leaving them in the counter. Eiji’s eyes sparked with recognition and went on to store them in their bathroom, not before taking a pill on his hand and slowly taking in to his mouth. Ash was next to him with a glass of water before he even had the chance to ask and the smile he was rewarded with was more than worth it.

Ash saw him swallow that first pill and then many pills more as their time together went by and slowly and not always, he saw Eiji turn warmer, his sun turning brighter.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!! Thank you so much fr making it this far.  
> This was a little longer than the previous stories, but procrastinatin does this to me.  
> Please leave a comment or a kudos if you liked it!


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